If you like Trivia Pursuit then you might like to know that in a recent survey asking European men what nationality of women they mostly fantasised about, French women were the undisputable winners. However, when asked what nationality were the majority of women they’d had sex with, English women won by miles. I wish I knew what this discrepancy really means.

Having returned to London over seven years away, I am often asked in what ways I find that the city has improved. Lots can be said, but the major and obvious improvement is the abundant presence of foreigners in all walks of life.

You walk the streets of London, and you hear chattering in many languages, and it’s not only the tourists. There are more smiles in general, and every now and then you can even catch someone’s eyes in the tube and they will smile back at you. And retail service has turned into a different experience altogether.

It isn’t as common any more to encounter the correct politeness, but instead, the people who serve you are genuinely nice, chatty and friendly. Let this trend continue!

The tube bosses are getting £1m for having led the company to insolvency. This is another demonstration of the endearing English tradition of looking after the incapable.

Many example of this custom have been recorded in recent history: from Jennie Page who, while mismanaging the Millennium Dome, found herself short many hundred of millions of tax payers pounds, to Bob Ayling who was supported with a reported £2 million (and a pension of £260,000), after leading one of the British icons, British Airways, to near bankruptcy.

The history of this tradition will not be complete without mentioning Railtrack CEO Gerald Corbett who was aided with almost £1.4 million to ease his pain after (being the CEO at the time) he was found responsible for the thirty-one people died and 400 injured in the London’s Paddington train crash.

It’s also encouraging to discover that corrective discrimination is exercised to ensure that such events will not risk the future employability of those responsible, and that high paid jobs are always awaiting them.

I hope that one day, I too, can take part in this heart-warming tradition. Does anyone, by any chance, know of any vacancy that will generously pay for my failures?

If your English teacher ever taught you the phrase: “Where is the toilet, please?” there are two things you need to know when you come to England. Firstly, ‘toilet’ is not the word people normally use (it must be rude or something, I haven’t figured it out yet). The words lavatory or loo are much more common.

Secondly, you must not expect a satisfactory answer, as in most situations, if you’re in the street, and especially if you’re in the train or underground, toilet is not something you are likely to find.

I haven’t yet figured what is the cultural substitute to lack of toilets. In Singapore, for instance, there are big signs warning you of heavy penalties for mixing elevators with toilets (and they are not for taking a lift in the toilet). On the other hands in Singapore you can find toilets everywhere. And if you’ve heard the stories that you get fined there for not flushing, you are out of date. All toilets in Singapore are auto flush. In London elevators no such signs exist. But this is really not so relevant, as you are most unlikely to find a working elevator in a train or underground station.

So in a cold night, after you’ve run for a while in the underground tunnels only to discover that your connection has just departed (or alternatively, got cancelled); when the pints you’d had are pushing for the exit, and you know that there is no chance you will reach the toilet without missing your next train, what are you supposed to do?

Are the English so well trained that they have developed different needs altogether? What is the secret?

I have got this email. Can anyone advise or help?

hi sir,

i read your blogs and i learned something from it. i am 24 years old and
i am interested to move in england. i am currently living here in the
philippines. was born here. My father was from England.

for a new comer like me which place in england is the best to stay? a
place where it is less expensive, abundant of room for rent, and job
opportunities? i am a registered nurse here in our country. maybe you
can just give me some information. it will be very valuable for me
because the information i get from england comes only from the internet,
books, and other media.

thanks for the time. please reply.
thanks.

My son goes to high school, and learns heaps. He is asked to know a lot, but required to understand nothing. As if the purpose of all his learning is to win a game of Trivia Pursuit. This may not be such a bad idea. After all, it may end up to be a better way of making a living than using school knowledge in more ‘proper’ ways.

But leaving Trivia Pursuit aside, this approach to learning might make sense when studying history (As I got kicked out of history lessons at an early stage, I know nothing about the subject.) Undoubtedly, it makes no sense when learning math or science (this is something I know about, which was the reason I got kicked out of the history lessons in the first place.) This is the utter opposite of cleverness when learning languages is concerned.

Why don’t English speak foreign languages? If my son’s high school is any indicator at all, the answer is easy. When you learn a foreign language, it isn’t what you know that counts, but rather your ability to apply it. This requires time; this requires practice; there are no shortcuts. This I can testify from personal experience (Well, you can always argue that I still can’t write English, and therefore my personal experience invalidate my claim. But if you half understand what I’m trying to say here, I may have a valid point after all)

Anyway, my son’s school teaches two term of German, and then two of French, and after that it may be Swahili or maybe Japanese, I am not entirely sure. Indeed, he studies a lot (and therefore it’s considered to be a great school.) But what can you really get after two terms of German? Maybe, if you are gifted, on your next visit to Germany you will be able to ask where the toilet is, but I doubt if you’ll understand the answer.

The only way to make these language lessons valuable is to teach the same language for a period of a few years. Otherwise, why waste time at all? If there is nothing better to teach, send the kids out to chase a ball. In a world of obesity, no one will doubt what it’s good for.

Let’s, for a change, start with something positive. If you can get it, the post office saving account is attractive, paying much better interest than most other saving accounts out there, and definitely much better that my current bank’s, in which I’ve had my accounts for many years (Barclays, if you were wondering – stories about it another time)

With all my recent experience with English bureaucracy, I still couldn’t imagine any troubles here. After all, what can be simpler than giving someone my money, I was thinking to myself while strolling into the local branch. There I was welcomed by the loveliest lady, who not only was happy to assist, but also seduced me to apply for a credit card as well. As their credit card does not charge commission for overseas transactions (unlike my other cards, some seem to survive solely on the commission they charge on my overseas shopping) it was a no-brainer, and I happily applied.

To my great surprise, I got my credit card with no problems or delays. Ten full points to the Post Office credit card services. What I didn’t expect was their refusal to open my saving account. To rephrase, the Post Office trust me enough to lend me their money, but not enough to take money from me?!

Round 1: I got a courteous letter explaining that as I hadn’t stated my address properly, I needed to fill in the form again. So while wondering by what magic they managed to send this letter back to me, I obliged, and filled in the form, as requested (they did include self addressed envelope, so I am quite sure that it wasn’t a ploy to increase postal revenue)

Round 2: I got a second letter telling me that I hadn’t sent all the requested identification documents (Of course I did. What do you think they used to open my credit card account?) I went to the local post office again, making sure that I carried with me all that they could ever require: my passport and my driving license and my very own face. They all matched, I was identified, and the lady at the counter kindly filled in the form on my behalf (after all, I seem unable to get the knack of it). On my way home I was already counting the interest before it hatched.

Round 3: another letter. (Well, it is a Post Office after all, and letters is what they’re supposed to be good at, which is still much better than BT, which seem to be unable to answer or make telephone calls.) This time the letter stated that as the local post office had not filled in the forms properly, I need to rectify and send it back to them. Again, self-addressed envelope was attached.

Round 4,5,6 silence, silence and more silence, so I called to enquire, was answered by a human, who assured me that all was fine, and that the documents were in the post, and that any delay was due to the postal strike.

Final round: I finally got my answer. As they were unable to confirm my identity and address, they could not proceed with my application. The letter also stated that they had tried but failed to contact me by mail (after all the Post is on strike) and by phone. Guys, I know you like tradition, But with mobile phone and answering services, this excuse is 20 years outdated, and it simply sounds like an outright lie (which is probably is) Don’t you think it’s time you should invent a new excuse? Regardless of the excuse, however, this letter was the knock out. I am not going for another round,

The people I dealt with were always helpful and polite. I wasn’t even a matter of dishonesty where an organisation tries to take your money and run. After all, I did not need to chase them to get my deposit money back, as they attached it to my last letter. So what is wrong with them? It simply defies my logic. Can anyone explain what was really going on?

By the way, if you are curious, my savings have found a good home at Abbey. So far (touch wood) I have nothing to complain about.

Princess D, or Diana is back in the headlines. This is timely, as everyone, including the media, had started to get bored with the royalty. After all, nothing has been happening with them for quite some time now, as if they were just normal people, living normal lives. Let’s admit it, in comparison with the past, the royalty in this country has become boring. If we are truly honest with ourselves, do we really care whether or not Prince William is going to the army, or that Prince Harry snorts vodka. These are problem that nearly every family faces. You don’t need royalty for that. How boring!!!

What a dysfunctional monarchy it has become! Think about the good old days, when royals had extra-marital affairs, near divorces, maybe even unwanted pregnancies. These were the days that we all felt we were getting the value we deserved. But all that was over ten years ago. And now, we, the tax payers, feel cheated. No more do we get value for our (tax) money. We want it back!

Under such pressure, the media had no choice but to bring the last interesting royal event back to life. Unfortunately, it was death. The death or murder (pick your choice) of Diana, that could bring life to the monarchy.

But how much longer can we strive on the glory of the past? We, all, must call our MPs and demand what we deserve – royal entertainment. Either the royalty should stop resting on their laurels, or they should be privatised.

Can there be anything more natural in an economy that believes that greed is the best engine to bring quality to people; where privatisation for its own sake has been justified by ‘even if you don’t know it, we do it for your benefit’? Do you have a doubt that a professional royalty, accountable to a board, with bonuses tied to customers’ (tax payers) satisfaction, would outperform the current? I have no doubt that for less money we will get much better entertainment. And after all, that what it’s all about. Or is it not?

This is old news, but it seems to still captures the headlines, and everyone’s imagination.

If you are not familiar with the story, which is nearly impossible if you live anywhere in Europe, Madeleine was a four years old English girl who mysteriously disappeared from her hotel-room while holidaying with her family and friends in a little resort in Portugal.
Initially investigators suspected abduction. But as they failed to come with any suspects, they decided to put the blame on her parents, who allegedly overdosed her by accident, and then hid the evidence (an elegant way to describe their little daughter’s dead body).
I am not even going to start describing all the ridiculous contradictions published about the investigation. But for anyone with a few neurons, it’s obvious that the whole investigation was flawed, hopefully out of stupidity (which is mostly the case) and not conspiracy.
I would not even try to guess who is to blame, and whether the parents were involved. I could easily imagine a deliberate murder by the parents. I could even accept if they were accused of selling their own daughter for child slavery. People have done worse. But under no circumstances can I ever believe in the accidental overdose theory. Can anyone truly imagine the following conversation ever taking place?
“Darling, would you mind coming here for a minute?”
“Yes dear, what is it?”
“Do you remember the sleeping pill you gave Maddie?”
“Yes dear, it did put her to sleep nicely, didn’t it?”
“Indeed, however, there is just one tiny problem dear, and I am not entirely sure how to tell you.”
“Dear, you know that you can tell me absolutely anything.”
“Well then, I think that you overdosed her a bit, and when I last checked on her, she was sort of dead, you know”
”This is most unfortunate dear; and I amso glad you kept it quiet. After all, we wouldn’t like to spoil our friends’ lovely dinner outside. How difficult do you think it’s going to be to get rid of her body?”
Only someone who really knows nothing about human emotions can ever believe that such a script could have happened. But this is exactly what the investigators claimed. So my only logical conclusion is that they must know nothing at all about humans, human behaviour or human emotions. That is, they are either they are very not so smart, or can’t be human. This of course, gives the concept a different meaning altogether.
Are the investigators involved in any way? May it be a conspiracy? Impossible you say? Probably, but not more impossible than the theories suggested by the by the investigators. What do we really know about the inhabitants of this small Portuguese village except that they think like aliens who do not seem to know a thing about human behaviour?

Einstein claimed that without opening a clock you can never be certain how it really works. You can, however, get quite a good idea by studying what it does. The same applies to English bureaucracy. As work itself is done (assuming that it is done) in secrecy, by viewing the patterns of what you get out of it, you can speculate what is really happening behind the closed doors. In most likelihood, you’ll end up not too far from the truth.

It’s easy to imagine how bureaucrats sit behind their small desks (they used to be big, but budget constraints did not escape them) and looking for the slightest of reasons to shove papers and electronic documents from their own pile to the pile of the person next to them. This process is then repeated, until the pile reaches the last person, whose job is to mail the documents back to sender, with a note why they cannot handle the issue.

Forget about computers, in many offices they are ornamental only, or at best used for solitary, ordering lunches and surfing the net. As far as workflow is concerned, in many offices things are no different now than what they used to be decades ago.

You don’t believe me? How else can you explain the number of times documents have been sent back to me with comments such as: “Unfortunately we cannot handle your case as you forget to state your address. Please fill it in and send it back to us.” Guys, be serious, I am a customer with a customer number, with my details in your computer. This is how I got their junk mail in the first place. And besides, how exactly did you manage to send the letter back to me?

Many such stories can be told, but the winner for this season is, undoubtedly, the National Insurance.

When I last lived in the UK, I (like anyone else working here) had a National Insurance Number. As I had lost my records and couldn’t remember the number, I called the National Insurance. To my great delight, immediately I got to speak to a person, who kindly explained that he could not help me over the phone, but if I sent all my details in a formal letter, they will find the number and send it back to me.

I will not bore you here with the number of times I had been asked to provide details, including details I had already provided. This, when you understand the system, is normal and can be expected. However, in the end, they could not track my record, and I was kindly asked to provide them with my old National Insurance Card or a statement to help them track my record.

Do they really think I had gone to all this trouble for the pleasure of a pen pal experience?